My reason to live
by Mikasa777
Summary: Izaya is very depressed and broken from his harsh past, and almost tries to kill himself, but will he be able to overcome his fears? Will he need help? And if so, who will be kind enough to give it? (Warning: Shizaya)
1. Chapter 1 'No Point'

1

He grabbed the railing and walked closer to the edge of the tall building. The cool wind blew, causing his hair to be blown back. He took a deep breath, and exhaled. He opened his eyes, taking in the city before him. _What would happen when he does it? How will he feel? Will he regret it in the last minute?_ Only one way to find out. _Find out._ Everything in his life was finding out wasn't it? Finding out and hurting people. He felt selfish. Selfish and weak. Everything in his current life was merely a distraction. Everything the people knew him as, was a lie. He did all this, to block those voices in his head. To block his past, his life. He lied to himself, he lied to everyone. The truth he lived in, he tried to shove in the back of his head. But he could never leave. It's drilled its way into his mind, and stayed there. He would ignore it; distract himself with others who didn't know the pain of reality. He would laugh and cause more pain to others to try to escape his own mind. But you just can't do that. He didn't know how to care for people, he didn't care for himself. All he did was to stop the pain, to escape, to feel less _alone_. But people don't understand. People leave. People move on. The one friend he used to have had finally come to his senses and left him. Who would blame him? He was a monster, the devil.

He took a step closer, opening crimson eyes, looking down at the people, going about their lives without a care. How he wished he could've been like that. _Normal._ They would be happier like this. _Well look at that, I care for them after all. I just don't care for myself._ He was already broken, what's the point of saving someone like him? Right. No point. He grabbed his jacket and pulled it closer as the cold wind blew again. He loved this jacket. He'd take it with him. And his flick blade. He looked down at the ground, memories rushing through his mind.

 _You never should have been born._

 _How did that guy even like you?_

 _You're the devil, the devil._

 _ **You don't deserve to live.**_

He always looked so strong, but like everything else, it was all a _lie_. He was good actor. Behind that fake smile, there was a crying, breaking, weak boy. That's all there was to it. He was empty. No point in living. No point in saving. It's too late. He wished, he could be like the one he pretended to be. He didn't want to hide behind _"The Great Orihara Izaya"_ mask. He wanted to become him. But it was too late now. Too late. He took a step forward, closing his eyes, he fell, fell to the ground, fell to his end. The end of The Great Orihara Izaya, the true monster of Ikebukuro.

So many things ran through his head in that very moment.

 _No point in living._

 _Why do you live?_

 _Why do you fight?_

 _They hate you._

 _No point in living._

 _No point in loving._

 _No point in saving._

 _No point._

 _No point._

 _ **It's too late.**_

HIIIII PEOPLE! This is my first fanfiction an and I hope you enjoy it. I decided to do it because I have a lot of ideas and it was a snow day so I was bored. -_- I read a lot of fanfictions and the Durarara ones are amazing! Anyway, enjoy and I hope I'm not too lazy to continue this!


	2. Chapter 2 'You're Human'

2

It's dark. _Is this what it feels like to die?_ _Am I even dead yet? I still feel, alive._ Why? Crimson eyes opened to a bright light. He brought his hand over his eyes to block it. He was inside somewhere, where? He summed up the strength in his tired body to sit up. He had a headache. His hair was messy. He was sitting on black couch in someone's living room. _Where am I?_ He put his hand to his head and rubbed his eyes, he'd never seen this apartment before. There were two small couches beside the one he was sitting on. There was a table between them, and a TV in front, beside two tall windows that led to a balcony. In front of that was a small dining table. On the left there was a kitchen, with a black counter that had a picture frame, a vase, and some clothes. Actually, the whole place was pretty untidy. Opposite the TV there was a hallway which at the very end had a closet, the door way out, a bathroom, and one bedroom. This was definitely a home for one.

As Izaya took in his surroundings, more thoughts whirred through his mind. _What happened? Did someone save me, or did I simply not die from the fall? Where am I? Do I know this person? Do they know me?_ _Who are they? Am I in Ikebukuro, Shinjuku, or somewhere else? Where's my jacket? My flick blade?_ Then he stood up, ignoring weak, trembling legs. He walked to the balcony window and looked outside. He was in Ikebukuro. At least he wasn't in new territory. He looked around for his stuff. He looked back at the couch he was lying on, which had the blanket he had used on it. The bright light coming from the window lit up the entire room. He used his hands to bring down his crazy hair. He walked forward in silence.

There were all sorts of things lying around. He walked toward the picture frame on the counter, hoping to find out who's apartment he was in. He grabbed the gold frame and lifted it up. It was Yuhei, the movie star, or well, Kasuka Heiwajima, that ex-bartender's brother. Great. That's all he needed in this situation. To think of _him._ But the picture didn't give that many answers. Kasuka had a lot of diehard fans. Any fan would have his picture here. He knew that threw his sisters, who had infinite posters of the star. He put the picture back on the counter and turned back around towards the living room. He then saw a very familiar article of clothing. He bent down and grabbed it. _Oh shit._ A _bartender_ uniform.

Izaya threw the clothing as he, as quietly as he could, sprinted into the hallway and came to a stop in front of the bedroom door. He grabbed the handle and held his breath as he silently, opened the door, only slightly, but enough to peek in. There he was, the monster of Ikebukuro, Shizuo Heiwajima, lying on the bed asleep. Izaya closed the door as silently as he opened it. He had to get out of here, fast. He sprinted to the closet and opened it. _There!_ His shoes, his jacket, and most likely his flick blade in its pocket. He put on his jacket, shoes, and just as he had guessed, there was his flick blade. He tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. He kept pulling on it, even though he knew it was locked. Sweat prickled his forehead as he started panicking, he would be ok with dying, just not by him!

After uselessly pulling at the door, he turned and started looking around for any keys, but found none. _Why I this place so darn messy! I can't find the damn keys!_ He searched pockets, shelves, the living room, kitchen, and even the bathroom, nothing. After a few minutes, he collapsed on the couch, defeated. _Maybe it's, inside his room._ He thought and gulped at the thought of going in there and waking up his enemy. He tiptoed towards the bedroom door, and opened it again. The keys were probably in his closet somewhere. _No, no way, too big of a risk._ He thought as he retreated to the sofa. It was quite hot in the room, and after a while he ended up taking off his jacket and leaving his shoes by the door.

Minutes passed by and Izaya remembered why he ended up here in the first place. He tried to kill himself, because his life was a mess. An awful, painful mess. With nothing to occupy himself with, he started falling apart. That voice came back. That awful voice in his head.

 _There's no use in you living!_

 _You deserve to suffer and die_

 _Leave this life, die!_

 _I'm doing everyone a favor, making you suffer like this!_

 _You awful creature, what a waste of life!_

No. He needed to leave. He needed something to distract himself with. He can't just sit here, have a panic attack and fall apart, especially with the risk of his enemy finding out his secret. He grabbed his jacket and ran to open balcony door. He's a parkour master; he could just jump and catch himself! He looked down at the ground below. _Or_ … he thought. _I can try to leave this world... again…_ Yeah, yeah, there was no one to stop him this time. This time he would die. This time he would get what he deserved. He was a panicking mess. He made his way on the top of the balcony railing, and just as he was about to fall, he felt two strong hands grabbing on to him, and pulled him back in the apartment. Tried to anyway. Izaya flailed his arms and legs, trying to break free. "No! Let me go! I deserve this, let me- let me-" Izaya tried to say as he felt tears burn at his eyes. "I- I c-can't" He started stuttering as his tears came rushing down. Shizuo pulled him back inside and closed the balcony door, and locked it this time.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING YOU STUPID FLEA!?" He said, then stopped and looked in shock as he saw Izaya crying on the floor. _What is this? He's tried to kill himself two times now; he's never been like this before._ Shizuo slowly kneeled beside him. "Oi, fl-Izaya, are you okay?" He asked, but the only response he got was quiet sobs. "Oi, answer me." Shizuo touched his shoulder, and felt Izaya flinch. He sighed as he lifted him up and placed him on the couch.

Izaya still sobbed. Shizuo didn't like being close to the flea, but even he felt bad, and wanted to help him. So he held him close to his chest as he cried. "Damn flea, what's wrong with you?" He muttered. He himself didn't know why he had saved Izaya, he just felt that no one should commit suicide, and they should treasure their life, he convinced himself that that was the only reason.

After a few minutes, Izaya calmed down, his eyes red from crying so long. Then with trembling hands he pushed himself away from Shizuo. He stayed silent, hugging his legs and looking down. Shizuo sat there for a few seconds before getting up and walking to the kitchen. "What do you want for breakfast?" He asked as he opened the fridge, trying his hardest to change the mood, for now at least. "Miso soup good?" He asked again when he got no response. "I-I don't want to eat." Izaya said with a weak voice. "C'mon flea, you can't not have breakfast." Shizuo said, but again got no response. He walked over to where Izaya was sitting and bent to level with him. "Look flea, I don't know what's wrong with, why you keep trying to commit suicide or why you think you deserve to suffer. But listen to my opinion. You may have hurt people, but in my opinion self-harm won't fix it, you need to try to be different, or get help. Not hurt yourself. You're human too." He said, the stood up and walked back to the kitchen to prepare miso soup for two. "Human?" Izaya whispered softly, as he watched Shizuo with shock.

Shizuo came back 10 minutes later with two bowls of miso soup. He placed one on the table in front of Izaya and sat to eat his own. Izaya hesitated at first, but then grabbed the bowl and started eating. It was good. Really good. Izaya just ate the whole thing in silence and place it on the table when he was finished. Shizuo took the bowls and started washing them in the sink. Izaya was a bit drowsy, so the sound of the rushing water quickly lulled him to sleep.

Minutes later, Shizuo came and helped him lie down without waking him up, as he had fallen asleep sitting up. He removed his jacket and put a blanket on him, but just as he was going to leave he noticed that Izaya looked uneasy in his sleep.

 _Is he having a nightmare?_


	3. Chapter 3 'I promise'

3

 _The nine year old boy dressed in black lay in the corner of the dimly lit room. His eyes were practically closed from exhaustion, his body bruised. He felt pain seep through his body as he watched the brown haired man crouch over the fire, heating a piece of long metal. "Tell me Izaya, what kind of things did your father do that I don't?" He asked and laughed. "Come on tell me, what things would_ _ **Shirou**_ _do?" He had a mean smile on his face as he looked over his shoulder._

 _He walked over to him and held the metal up. "Not talking?" He said. "Oh my mistake, you must be too hurt to talk. But you should be able to answer this question." He said as he grabbed the boy's collar and lifted it up. Izayas head hung back, he was too tired to lift it up to face him. "What were_ _ **your**_ _last words to him?" The man smiled wider as he felt the younger flinch. With his free hand, he slowly brushed the burning hot metal across the others arm, burning his skin. He let out a laugh when he the boy started crying. "Come on, tell me." He said as he pushed down harder._

" _Does it hurt? It should, it's burning hot." The younger just cried harder, chocking through sobs. "You know I heard, that you took him for granted, never appreciated him, so how do you feel now that he's gone? Regret? You miss him?" He switched hands and started burning his other arm. "Answer me Izaya. What was he like? Answer or I'll go harder like last time." To the man's surprise, they boy lifted his head slightly, crimson red dangerous eyes looking into his. "O-only if y-you answer m-me…" He said as he tried to ignore the outrageous pain in his arms._

" _What's your question?" The man asked. He saw the boy grab his hand, the one he was holding on to his collar with. His eyes looked furious. "What d-did you do, t-to my fa-father?" He asked. The man, Kusuo frowned as he dropped him and threw the metal on to the table in the middle of the room. Then he stood up and smirked. "You're smart." He said. He looked up as if thinking. Then he laughed and said "I messed up the engine of his car! You could say I killed him. But to be honest, he had the time and the chance to get out of the car, his mind was just busy on ways to make_ _ **you**_ _happy, since you seemed a bit uncooperative at that time."_

 _Then he looked back at the boy. "So it was your fault." He said cheerfully. The boy looked at him, shock slowly turning to heartache and to anger. "Now your turn. What did you two do together? What did you say before he left that day? How did you feel afterwards?" He asked. The boy looked at the ground, hesitant to answer. "You're taking too long." Kusuo said in a teasing voice as he kicked him. "W-we, went to the park. We were always having f-fun, laughing, we were, we were happy." He replied slowly, as if trying to avoid hearing his own voice. "What else?" asked Kusuo smiling at the little boy, trying to block out memories. "H-he would get me gifts and, try his best t-to make me h-happy. He would take me to fun places, and r-read stories. He was a g-good person." Izaya said, and looked hesitant to continue. "Unlike you." Kusuo frowned and kicked him again. "Okay, second question. What did you say?" He said._

" _I-I… I said… I…"_

" _Stop stuttering."_

" _He offered to take me out with him to have, fun, b-but I guess I was annoyed so I said- I said to just leave me alone. He said it'll be fun and I told him to stop- to stop trying so hard." He said and flinched when Kusuo grabbed and squeezed his burned arm, holding him up in the air. "Heh, interesting." He said._

" _What did you feel like when you got the news? When you realized how you treated him in his last moment with you? When you realized he was_ _ **never coming back?**_ _" Kusuo asked, and felt the other tremble. "Destroyed." That one word was enough to describe it all. Kusuo frowned. "How could he have ever even liked a creature like you? What a waste of a life." He said as he let him go. "Go upstairs." He ordered. Izaya was surprised; he never let him go until dawn. Then again, he never had answered him before. "Go already."_

 _Izaya didn't argue. He stumbled and fell as he tried to stand a couple times, but finally got the strength to climb upstairs. As he lay on the couch upstairs, he heard a voice in his head he never heard before, whispering._

 _Your fault_

 _Dead_

 _Never coming back_

 _Waste of life_

 _Worthless_

 _Pointless_

 _Weak_

 _Wake up_

 _ **Wake up**_

Izaya awoke with panic as sweat prickled his forehead. He sat up on the couch and held his hands to his mouth and the tears started falling. He barely remembered where he was, still at Shizuos house, he had fallen asleep on his couch. The nightmares weren't new though. It happened every night. Every morning he woke up crying, wailing, shouting until he couldn't breathe, and finally forcing him to calm down. The same thing happened here. Every time he closed his eyes it happened. So much so he avoided sleep entirely.

Shizuo wasn't used to it though, so he was shocked when it happened. _So he was having a nightmare._ He didn't help or comfort him like last time though; he was still the flea, still his enemy. But he did feel bad for him, suffering like this. He thought it would stop after a few minutes, but like every morning routine for Izaya, it didn't. He still cried, for 15 minutes, but it was obvious he was forcing himself to stop. _How irritating can you get?_ He thought and felt a bit guilty afterwards. After almost an hour, he was calming down it seemed. Shizuo at one point thought it was over, until he noticed small whimpers coming from him as he covered his mouth with his hands, trying to stop it. He was bit shocked when he heard Shizuo. "It's okay, cry all you want, you don't have to force yourself to stop." He said.

He did, he cried for a long time, and at one point Shizuo walked over to him, grabbed his shoulders and looked at him in the eyes. "Does this happen often?" He asked him. But this only made Izaya remember the interrogation with Kusuo and started crying again, but nodded. Shizuo sighed and pulled him into a hug as he sat on the couch beside him. He patted his head. "Look calm down." He said, and slowly, Izaya stopped crying, for real this time. "Sh-Shizu-chan?" He asked. "Yeah?" Shizuo replied. "I'm sorry, about this. It wasn't your problem. I-I'm gonna leave now." He said and pulled away from him and pulled himself up to stand. "Hang on a sec flea!" Shizuo said as he stood up and grabbed his shoulder, unaware of Izayas bad balance. Izaya stumbled a bit but caught himself. "You think I'm just gonna leave you like this?!" He asked. "You hate me Shizu-chan. Remember?" Izaya said. Shizuo was shocked, "Well either way, you're suffering, and I can't just leave you like this!" He said. "I was always suffering Shizu-chan; the only difference now is that you know. In the past you did the same thing you always did. I was still suffering back then." He said. "Just forget." He tried walking away again and walked to the door as he grabbed his jacket.

"How do you expect me to forget that?" He asked. Izaya stayed silent. "I'm gonna help you. Promise." It came out of his mouth before he could stop it. "Yeah right. Don't make promises you can't keep. Someone did it before. Afterwards, they forgot easily." Izaya said. Shizuo walked up to him, grabbed his arm and forced him to turn. " _ **PROMISE.**_ And you're not going anywhere. You're staying here."

They stayed silent for a while. The afternoon sun peered in through the windows, lighting up the room. Shizuo pulled Izaya into another hug. Just the thought of Izaya leaving, and then seeing him actually succeed in killing himself when he knew he could've done something to stop it, pushed Shizuo forward. "You're gonna be okay. Promise." He said. Izaya felt like he was into the trap of his childhood again.

 _Unkept promises._

This time he ignored the voice in his head, because this time he wanted someone to trust again.


	4. Important Author Anouncement

_Okay so hear me out, this is important._

 _The reviews I got are great and you guys apparently really like this, and I'm sorry that I left you hanging for so long, but I have an announcement._

 _I am discontinuing this._

 _So it will remain the way it is, unless,_ _ **you**_ _want to continue it._

 _I made this email_ : DrrrFFchaps

 _Send any chapters to me, I'll edit them up and publish them! (or ideas, I can write them if u tell me specifically what you want to see)_

 _You're free to send what you want, I'll choose one and publish it._

 _Again, sorry for not being able to do it myself. I can't keep publishing for a fanfiction because of actual life things going on right now._

 _I just thought I'd do this since I got such great reviews._

 _Well, have fun!_


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